苦手なことを捨てた

 

 

去年末に愛車を手放した。

今の交通手段は徒歩か主に自転車に乗って移動する。

ギアがないので坂道は少し踏ん張りが必要だけど、

冬なのでとばすと顔面が凍るように冷たいけれど、

わたしはこの手段が一番合ってる。

 

 

車を手放した理由は

●車の維持費を賄えないため

●駐車代など考慮すると車を持つ必要性が低い

って答えることが多かったけれど

 

もっと自分の本心を探ると違う理由があがった。

 

 

わたしは極度の方向音痴だ。

曲がり角や看板をしっかりと頭に記憶したつもりでも、

帰り道を間違えてしまう。

信じられないかもしれないが

20分でいける道のりを2時間かかって到着したということもあった。

だいたいこの辺だろう・・・

となんとなーくの感覚で進んでしまえばもうオシマイ。

予想は大ハズレして途方に暮れる。

 

さらに極度の乗り物酔い。(自転車以外の全ての乗り物に酔う)

これは生まれた頃から今に至るまで一度も解消したことがない問題。

色んなことを試してきたがいっこうに治らない。

だから「酔わない」という通常感覚がまず分からない。

車にのれば一分で酔いモードになる。

「気持ちの問題だよ〜」と言われた事、何度もある。

ありとあらゆる車酔い解消方法を試してきたけれど、

治る事はまるでなかった。

だから、道に長時間迷うことで酔っている時間も増し

ものすんごーーーーく車内で気持ちが悪くなり

グラグラで頭痛になったり気持ち悪くなったりいろんな症状がでる。

高校大学は往復4時間の道のりを計7年間通学していた。

毎回気持ち悪くなり途中でおりたり、号泣は当たり前。

今思えば、軽いパニック障害だったようにも感じる。

 

道に迷いまくっている自分は

涙とため息がでるほどに

情けなく感じる。

これ、どんなに気をつけてみても駄目なの。

ナビがあったら、、、とかの問題ではないんです。

だってナビがあっても迷うんです。

思考回路のネジがピョンっとひとつはずれているみたい。

 

 

そーんな苦手なのに、

気持ち悪くなる事が「当たり前」と最近まで過ごしてた。

だけど去年末に手放した愛車。

便利ということで当たり前のように使用していた愛車。

手放す事でそのストレスからいっきに解放された。

今は、スーーーっと気持ちがいい。

 

 

 

苦手な事を辞めた。

すると知らなかった世界を体感できるし、そこで心が豊かになった。

これは今回書いた車の手放しに限らずです。

 

イヤやな〜と感じる作業は辞めたらいい。

苦手やなぁ〜という相手とは付き合わなければいい。

無理をしていない??

気分が悪くない?

自分に聞いてあげたらいい。

 

 

全部選択しているのは自分。

他人に理由なんてない。

その気持ちになる状況を選択しているのも自分。

こんなシンプルなことなのに、人間は

いろんな理由をつけて「不安定」を「安定」のように装っている。

自ら苦しい状況にしている。

 

毎日のルーティンになっているから

感覚が麻痺しているのだ。

 

 

常に心地よい環境

これを実践できたらいいね。

 

 

少しどころじゃない恐怖がともなうこともあるだろう

でもそれを抜けた先には、

本当の意味でふかーーーーく、ながーい呼吸(ヨガと一緒だね)で

深い至福で満たされるのだと思う。

 

 

まずは私自身が何十年も気づかなかった。

苦しくて辛くて号泣することが当たり前になっていた車酔いというストレス。

なーんて自分の苦しめていたんだろう。

 

 

逃げるのは悪い事じゃないよ

 

 

そんな辛さでさえ今は

人体実験やな〜楽しいな〜なんて思えるようになったけど。

 

ひろーい海のように壮大な静けさと穏やかさは

本当に気持ちがいいよ。

これだけで最高のプレゼントを受け取れたね。

 

 

長く気づきずらかったことへの自身の記録として
ブログに残してみました。

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