★帰国

 

今日の月みてたら
なんだか泣けてきた。

 

 

「わたしはなんでそれを選んだの?」

 

 

よく分からない。

 

恐怖とゆう感情がともなうのに
なぜわたしはそれを選ぶのだろう。

 

きっと使命のような
宿命のようなもの

 

だから理由なんてないよね。

 

 

久しぶりに自転車こぎながら
前を歩くOLの会話が耳に入ってきて

そうやって思った。

 

 

世の中には色んな選択肢がある
決断に覚悟をした人もいれば
気軽にする人もいるし

わたしはここで一生を
過ごす選択もできたわけだし
それは穏やかに平安に

家族の近くで
同僚や地元の友だちと笑い合って

 

 

でもわたしのした決断は
海外にいくということだった

 

すごいかけがえないなぁ
って思った
出会えた人
すべてを思い出してみた

 

そうしたら
一生で会えないような
人たちと会話していて

それらは全部
心だったなあ
と思った

 

 

理論とか

そんなのいらないと思った

そんなのいらない世界にいた

そんなのじゃ繋がり合えない人たちと出会った

 

あと何回

震わせる
感動ができるだろう

 

常に笑っていた記憶があるけれど

泣いた回数も多かった気がする

自分で自分が愛おしいよ

だってこんな尊い想いができたんだもの

 

 

たくさん吸ったであろう
排気ガスや煙草の煙
たくさん取ったであろう
添加物や油

そんなのでさえ
わたしの一部になっいて

今のわたしを構成する
すべてが愛おしい

 

 

もう全てはひとつだって知ってるから

きっとまた涙は流しちゃうけど

いつ死んでも大丈夫だと思えた

 

 

おやすみなさい。

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