★月経について〜至上最悪〜

 

前回自分の心身の絶不調体験を書きました。

 

が!!!
今回はそれと同じレベルでヤバい体の状態
初めて生理不順になった時の話。

20代中盤までは
有難いことに大きな病気もなく
のびのびと生きて来れたわたし。

なので生理痛もそこまで酷くなかったし
生理周期が大きくずれたり。。。
ってこともなかった。

が!!

初めての生理不順。
しかも

約9ヶ月止まった。

その時のわたしは
東日本大震災後で
脳内が情報過多だった為

肌に触れるもの、
口にいれるもの、
吸い込む空気
などなどなど
気になることが盛り沢山。

だから、
生理が来ない=婦人科に行く
という流れにはならなくて
病院の毛嫌い(自己治癒能力高めたいという謎の願望)と
結構忙しい日々と
働いていないことを理由に
病院には行かなかった。

でもさすがに3ヶ月、半年、、、、
生理が来ない
体重も落ちる

当時風呂無しの倉庫の二階に住んでいたため(笑)
毎回スポーツクラブのお風呂か
銭湯に行ってたんだけど

鏡を見ると
そこには
あばら骨が浮き出てる自分の体があって
貧相でかわいそうだった。

よく行くうどん屋さんのおっちゃんからは
「姉ちゃん、少年のようなケツしとるなっ!」
と言われる始末。
(おしりの肉がなくてストンとしてるという意味でしょう)

当時のわたしの体は
多分ヒドくダメージを受けていたんだと思う。

情けないけれどわたしは鈍感だ。

今でさえ分かるけれど

「やらなければならない」
「行かなくちゃいけない」
「自分が選んだから」
「お金を払っているんだから」
「ここで止めたらあの人にこう思われる」
「でも楽しいと感じるものもあるし」

きっとこんな理由をあげては
すごく自分の身体を酷使してたと思う。

人って気力でどこまでも無茶できる生き物だな。

そしてボロボロになったときに気づくんだよね。

これはまずいって。
さらにわたしは25才から
実家のある関東を離れているので
親との連絡も間接的。
心配した母からも

母:「病院行きなさい。ちゃんと行ったの?その用事は休めないの?」
私:「病院予約して来週いくよ。」

言ってしまえば嘘もつける。

ああ〜
怖かったんだよな〜
自分の感性に何かが入ってくるのが。
自分がこれだ!と思ってるものに
違う何かが入ってくるのが。
少し潔癖な性質も入っていたな〜と感じる。

さらに
ほぼ毎日してたチューイングという摂食障害

本当は食べたくないのに
真夜中コンビニをはしごしては
業務用の食パンやアイスを買い込む。

帰宅して口に入れては胃に入れず吐き出す。
これを繰り返す。(お金も必要以上に無くなってく。涙)

この行為、
無心じゃないんですよ。
心では「止めたい!」
って叫んでるの。
だけど行為を止めることができなくて
号泣しながらしてるの。

もう異常だった。

何に傷ついていたんだろう?
何にストレスを抱えていたんだろう?

さらにさらにここからです。

神戸で過ごしてた半年間
歯が6本欠け(玄米噛んでて)
11本は虫歯になりました。(泣くしかない)

こんなに分かり易く
体がサインを送ってくれているのに
わたしはわたしのたったひとつの体を
とても酷い状態にしてしまっていた。

「ごめんなさい」

遅いけどたった今
当時のわたしに伝えてあげた。

「辛かったよね。気づいてあげられなかったね。相談のってあげられたら良かったね。」
わたしどうしたら良かったんだろう。
死に近づいていたわけでもないけれど
こんなことがあったからこそ
気づけたことも沢山あって
今の表現できる体の感性をいただけたことも沢山あった。

自分が弱かったのか
逆に強かったのかどうかも分からない。

でも
「ごめんね」
って言ってあげたいと思った。

私は今
生きていること
そして深く呼吸をして
「あ〜気持ちいいなあ」
そう感じられるだけで
本当に心から幸せと思える。

その他の何ができなくても
失恋しても
方向音痴で途方に暮れて家に帰れなくなっても
電車逃してお金倍に使うことになっても
要領が悪くて遅刻しても
NOと言えなかった自分
騙されていたことに気づけない自分

すごく情けないと感じることいっぱいある。

それでもわたしは
そんな自分を愛すと肚をくくった。

・・・・・・

今これを書いてて
なんか泣けてきた!(苦笑)

なにこのブログ(笑)

そんなこんなで
史上最悪だったであろう
自分の過去ですが
もちろん今も名残がないわけじゃないし
引きずられるし

でも
「イヤ」「好き」
の判断をできることになったから
それだけでも進歩したんだと思う。

自身を共感度強めと認知してるからこそ
今の自分は反射的に
離脱度高めになってるのかもしれない。

わたしがわたしの一番の理解者でいてあげたい。
こんなに愛されてるのに
自分で自分を殺す行為は止めようよ。(強く自分へ)

だから不健康
つまり
本心と行動を不一致にさせる
史上最悪の不健康になることは
とことんやめた。

とゆうわけでした!

なんか文章めちゃめちゃですが
伝わりましたか?
史上最悪の心身の不健康の模様
そこから今の状態になったんだ〜

というお話でした。


(3年前のがんばってた自分)

▼旅するネットショップ▼(New!)
yukinokodomo
おしだゆきの活動や旅の様子を見届けたい方、ヨガレッスン動画を希望の方はこちらへ☆
旅中に描いた絵も販売中

▼おしだゆき応援サイト▼(New!)
sekaiwoaisu
教育界のパイオニア江藤由布さんが立ち上げてくれたおしだゆきの活動を応援するサイトです。

▼オフィシャルホームページ▼
oshidayukioffcial

“★月経について〜至上最悪〜” への500件の返信

  1. I¦ve been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or weblog posts in this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this site. Studying this information So i¦m happy to show that I have an incredibly good uncanny feeling I discovered just what I needed. I so much without a doubt will make certain to don¦t omit this site and give it a look regularly.

  2. Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I’m impressed!
    Very helpful info specifically the last part 🙂 I care for such information much.
    I was seeking this particular information for a long time.

    Thank you and good luck.

  3. I just like the helpful info you supply in your
    articles. I’ll bookmark your weblog and take a look at
    once more right here frequently. I’m reasonably sure I’ll be informed lots of new stuff right right here!
    Good luck for the following!

  4. I’ve been surfing online more than 2 hours today, yet I never
    found any interesting article like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me.

    In my view, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will be
    a lot more useful than ever before.

  5. hey there and thank you for your info – I’ve certainly picked
    up anything new from right here. I did however expertise several technical issues using this web
    site, since I experienced to reload the site many times previous to I could get it to
    load properly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK?
    Not that I am complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will very frequently
    affect your placement in google and can damage
    your quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords.
    Well I’m adding this RSS to my email and can look out for much more
    of your respective exciting content. Make sure you update this again very soon.

  6. I’ve been surfing on-line more than 3 hours today, but I by no means found any fascinating article like yours.

    It is beautiful price enough for me. Personally, if
    all website owners and bloggers made excellent content as
    you probably did, the web will be much more helpful than ever before.

  7. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was
    curious what all is required to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog
    like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% positive.
    Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you

  8. I’ve been browsing online more than 4 hours today, yet I never found
    any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me.

    In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will
    be a lot more useful than ever before. adreamoftrains content hosting

  9. In this prepare, Hepatic is frequently the therapeutical and other of the onset cialis online without instruction this overdose РІ during the course of orthodox us of the unswerving; a greater sooner than which, when these cutaneous small ripen into systemic and respiratory, as in old age, or there has, as in buying cialis online safely of serious, the management being and them off the mark, and requires into other complications. buy Fluoxetine Dmtnha eljmbz

  10. I used to be recommended this blog by means of my cousin. I’m now not certain whether this put up is written by means of him
    as nobody else recognize such distinctive about my problem.
    You are amazing! Thank you!

  11. Have you ever considered publishing an ebook or guest authoring on other
    blogs? I have a blog based upon on the same topics you
    discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know
    my viewers would enjoy your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.

  12. Heya i am for the first time here. I came across this
    board and I find It really useful & it helped me out a lot.

    I hope to give something back and help others like you helped me.
    cheap flights 34pIoq5

  13. So he can ridicule if patients are minimum to approve or ongoing an empiric, you skate a low or other etiologic agents, the pervasiveness becomes searing and You see a syndrome run online dispensary viagra you the callousness of the venerable women. 20mg cialis Ufszpx sqvtbw

  14. I do accept as true with all the ideas you have offered for your post.

    They’re really convincing and can certainly work.
    Nonetheless, the posts are too short for beginners. Could
    you please lengthen them a little from subsequent time?

    Thank you for the post.
    Jay’s Santa Clarita Tree Removal Kings
    26174 Las Lanas Ct, Santa Clarita, CA 91355
    661-464-1270
    laureljefferson09875@gmail.com

  15. Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thank you so much, However I am experiencing
    difficulties with your RSS. I don’t understand the reason why I am unable to subscribe to it.
    Is there anyone else getting identical RSS problems?
    Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond?
    Thanx!!
    Jim’s San Jose Carpet Cleaning
    780 S 3rd St, San Jose, CA 95112
    3408-351-1063
    colettemackie2641@gmail.com

  16. I have been surfing online more than 2 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.
    It is pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if
    all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.

    Jim’s San Jose Carpet Cleaning
    780 S 3rd St, San Jose, CA 95112
    3408-351-1063
    colettemackie2641@gmail.com

  17. I blog often and I truly appreciate your information. The article has
    really peaked my interest. I will bookmark your site and keep checking for new details about once a week.
    I subscribed to your Feed too.
    Jim’s San Jose Carpet Cleaning
    780 S 3rd St, San Jose, CA 95112
    3408-351-1063
    colettemackie2641@gmail.com

  18. This design is spectacular! You definitely know how
    to keep a reader amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was
    almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job.
    I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
    Too cool!
    Jim’s San Jose Carpet Cleaning
    780 S 3rd St, San Jose, CA 95112
    3408-351-1063
    colettemackie2641@gmail.com

  19. I like the valuable information you provide in your articles.
    I will bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly.
    I am quite certain I will learn many new stuff right here!
    Best of luck for the next!
    Jay’s Santa Clarita Tree Removal Kings
    26174 Las Lanas Ct, Santa Clarita, CA 91355
    661-464-1270
    laureljefferson09875@gmail.com

  20. I really love your site.. Very nice colors & theme. Did you build this site yourself? Please reply back as I’m looking to create my own personal website and would like to know where you got this from or just what the theme is called. Many thanks!

  21. Hi, Neat post. There is a problem along with your website
    in web explorer, would test this? IE still is the marketplace chief and a good part
    of other folks will pass over your great writing due to this problem.

  22. Today, I went to the beach front with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to
    my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to
    her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside
    and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!

    LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

    Jay’s Santa Clarita Tree Removal Kings
    26174 Las Lanas Ct, Santa Clarita, CA 91355
    661-464-1270
    laureljefferson09875@gmail.com

  23. I’ve been exploring for a little for any high quality articles or blog posts
    in this kind of space . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this website.
    Studying this information So i am glad to convey that I have an incredibly just
    right uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed.
    I most surely will make sure to don?t put out of your mind this web site and give it a glance
    on a continuing basis.
    Jay’s Santa Clarita Tree Removal Kings
    26174 Las Lanas Ct, Santa Clarita, CA 91355
    661-464-1270
    laureljefferson09875@gmail.com

  24. I would like to thnkx for the efforts you have put in writing this web site. I am hoping the same high-grade site post from you in the upcoming also. Actually your creative writing skills has inspired me to get my own blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings fast. Your write up is a good example of it.

  25. Hi, I do think this is a great website. I stumbledupon it 😉 I am going to return once again since I saved as a favorite it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue to guide other people.

  26. Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating
    it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
    Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

    FlexBuild Huntington Beach Concrete Company
    2520 Florida St, Huntington Beach, CA 92648
    714-410-5374
    suzannaweiss98719@gmail.com

  27. Thank you for another informative site. Where else could I am getting that kind of information written in such an ideal manner?
    I’ve a challenge that I’m just now operating on,
    and I have been on the look out for such info.

    FlexBuild Huntington Beach Concrete Company
    2520 Florida St, Huntington Beach, CA 92648
    714-410-5374
    suzannaweiss98719@gmail.com

  28. hey there and thank you for your info – I have definitely picked up something new from right here.
    I did however expertise some technical points using this website,
    since I experienced to reload the web site lots of times
    previous to I could get it to load properly.

    I had been wondering if your hosting is OK? Not that I am complaining, but slow loading
    instances times will sometimes affect your placement in google and can damage
    your quality score if ads and marketing with Adwords. Anyway I am adding this RSS to
    my email and could look out for much more of your respective interesting content.
    Ensure that you update this again very soon.

  29. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic
    but I had to tell someone!

  30. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any
    widgets I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest
    twitter updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time
    and was hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
    Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy
    reading your blog and I look forward to your new updates.

  31. I have been surfing online more than 4 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like
    yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as
    you did, the web will be a lot more useful than ever
    before.

  32. Hello there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after going through many of the posts I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely pleased I stumbled upon it and I’ll be book-marking it and checking back regularly!

  33. Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed
    reading it, you could be a great author. I will make certain to bookmark your blog and
    will often come back later on. I want to encourage you to ultimately
    continue your great posts, have a nice evening!

  34. Its like you learn my thoughts! You appear to understand so much about this, such as you wrote the e-book in it or something. I feel that you simply can do with a few p.c. to pressure the message home a little bit, however other than that, this is wonderful blog. A great read. I will certainly be back.

  35. Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having problems locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it grow over time.

  36. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and
    wanted to say that I have truly loved browsing your weblog posts.

    In any case I will be subscribing for your rss feed and I am
    hoping you write once more soon!

  37. I have been browsing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. Personally, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  38. With havin so much written content do you
    ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?
    My website has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced
    but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any solutions
    to help protect against content from being stolen? I’d certainly appreciate it.

  39. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to
    say that I’ve truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts.

    After all I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again very
    soon!

  40. Hello would you mind stating which blog platform you’re using? I’m looking to start my own blog in the near future but I’m having a tough time choosing between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal. The reason I ask is because your design seems different then most blogs and I’m looking for something unique. P.S Apologies for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  41. Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole thing.
    Do you have any suggestions for novice blog writers?
    I’d definitely appreciate it.

  42. Just desire to say your article is as amazing.

    The clarity in your post is just nice and i could assume you are an expert on this subject.
    Well with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep
    up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

  43. Greetings! I’ve been following your weblog for a
    long time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out
    from Humble Texas! Just wanted to mention keep up
    the excellent work!

  44. I’m not sure exactly why but this weblog is loading incredibly slow for me.
    Is anyone else having this problem or is it a issue on my end?
    I’ll check back later on and see if the problem
    still exists.

  45. I just could not go away your site prior to suggesting that I extremely loved the standard information an individual supply in your visitors?
    Is gonna be back continuously in order to investigate cross-check new posts

  46. I just like the valuable info you supply in your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your weblog and check once more here regularly.
    I am slightly sure I’ll learn many new stuff right right here!
    Best of luck for the next!

  47. Undeniably consider that which you stated. Your favorite
    reason seemed to be on the net the easiest factor to consider of.
    I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while other folks think about concerns that they plainly do not know about.
    You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out
    the entire thing without having side-effects , other people could
    take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  48. Do you have a spam issue on this site; I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation;
    many of us have created some nice methods and we
    are looking to trade methods with others, please shoot me an email if
    interested.

  49. I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and
    without a doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head.
    The problem is something too few men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy I came across this in my hunt for something concerning this.

  50. Hi there, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious
    if you get a lot of spam comments? If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?

    I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any support is
    very much appreciated.

  51. I’ll right away grab your rss feed as I can’t to find your email subscription link
    or newsletter service. Do you have any? Please let me recognize
    so that I could subscribe. Thanks.

  52. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find most of
    your post’s to be exactly what I’m looking for.
    Do you offer guest writers to write content for you?
    I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write concerning here.
    Again, awesome weblog!

  53. Have you ever considered writing an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?
    I have a blog centered on the same topics you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know
    my visitors would enjoy your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e mail.

  54. With havin so much content and articles do you ever run into any
    problems of plagorism or copyright violation? My website has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either authored myself or
    outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it
    up all over the web without my agreement. Do you know any techniques to help reduce content from being ripped off?
    I’d truly appreciate it.

  55. Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this site. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appearance. I must say you have done a great job with this. Also, the blog loads very quick for me on Opera. Exceptional Blog!

  56. It’s really a great and helpful piece of information. I’m happy that you just shared
    this helpful info with us. Please stay us up to date like this.

    Thanks for sharing.

  57. Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be
    at the net the simplest factor to take into
    account of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed whilst folks consider issues that they just don’t understand about.
    You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and also outlined out
    the whole thing with no need side effect ,
    folks can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more.
    Thank you

  58. Hello! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering which blog
    platform are you using for this site? I’m getting tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with
    hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for another platform.
    I would be awesome if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

  59. Hi just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren’t loading
    correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue.
    I’ve tried it in two different web browsers and both show the same outcome.

コメントを残す

メールアドレスが公開されることはありません。 * が付いている欄は必須項目です